Thursday, June 26, 2014

How To Corrupt Your Children

This is how you name
a sequel.
Since time immemorial, it has been clear that the right and honest way to name a sequel is to append a numeral to the end of the previous movie's title. Heathenous franchises have strayed from this model and have paid dearly for it with ridiculous profits and persistent viewership.

I am pleased to report that the sequel to How to Train Your Dragon has properly followed this sacred guidance and, in spite of its difficulty to say, appended the unambiguous numeral "2" to the title when naming their sequel.

Unfortunately, this is where the movie's wholesome values end.

The writers of this film did not have the decency to copy and paste the previous film's script, use find-and-replace on certain keywords, and pepper segments with irrelevant references to the first film as if it were inane fan fiction. Indeed, the story seems to have violated the whole formula; taking on a life of its own in a grotesque display of unwarranted creativity.

This is unforgivable.

Family shows must be stupid for
the sake of the kids and have
meaningless pop culture satire
for the sake of lemurs.
Brazen displays of positive male identity, fond sentiments toward family and community relationships were on parade in this supposedly "family" film. There were instances of full frontal female independence without a single shred of incoherent misandry on her body -- in a film that is advertised as being for children! With all these inappropriate things in the show, it was really surprising to me that there wasn't a gratuitous dragon-human hentai thing in any part of it.

What's worse, the show neglected to nourish children's minds with the wholesome intellectual stimulation of fart jokes, or cheap slapstick -- the essentials of a child's mental diet! This movie even had the nerve to make a few of the characters nuanced people with flaws and virtues and the ability to learn from their mistakes and grow as individuals.

This is how far society is sinking. Movie theaters are playing this kind of filth for our children. They're trying to push their Quality Entertainment Agenda on us and poison the precious minds of the future.

It makes me sick.
It makes Shrek sick, too.
Be warned!  How to Train Your Dragon 2 is not the family friendly cliché barrage that they try to make it out to be.  Lurking under the facade of a disposable cartoon sequel is a coherent piece of genuine entertainment.  You will be disappointed.
Who dares to entertain the almighty Aku?

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